Choices….

When I am depressed I read blogs about being positive. The articles sometimes lifted up my mood. Sometimes, I just don’t care to be “lifted”. These are the times, I just want to be negative. These are the times too, I feel envious of people who are always looking at life positively.

How do they do that?

We have the rights to the choices in life. We have the right to be happy, elated, ecstatic, “over-the moon” and also we have the right to be angry, fearsome, hateful; those are the choices in life open for our grasps.

This is what I learned. If I am happy, people around me will feel the happiness and eventually they will feel happy. If I am sad, I will emit the negative vibes and effect them as such. This may be true if you don’t have the self control over your feelings. You must feel the environment and be able to control what you want to feel in response to the feelings emitted around you. This way you will be able to avoid being an emotional wreck. We just have to be wise choosing.

I know… this is easier said than done. Sometimes when we are sad or depressed, we are irrational. We felt that all bad things are meant to happen to us.  We just want to hate. ….. So, who cares about being positive?

On the other hand, do we want to be hateful too? All the times? I am sure you would want to avoid people who are always negative and carrying the black clouds over their heads, right?

Oh well…. I know ideally we want to be positive all the times but sometimes being negative is what we need in order to appreciate being positive. Get what I mean?

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A facelift?

I guess not… not just yet.

The past few days I have been reflecting about my blog. I keep on reviewing the strikes and hits I get from my blog. Do any one really read them? Or is it just me. Venting my anger and grudges over my dysfunctional life, that is all there is.

The last few days… blah… only one strike and that is from me… heh heh. funny.

So I stopped writing/blogging for a few days because I guess I am a bore even to myself. Then I “walked” around my other blogs. I don’t have the strike counter so I don’t really know if anyone is reading it except for one comment that I got. But “yay!!!” all the same. 1 comment is like wow!,  I got a lottery! So happy indeed.

So, back to being interesting in blogging. I read many good blogs and I don’t think they even make such a big fuss and effort when telling their life stories or things they are currently been doing. They sort of have that magic. Some just blog about their cooking. Many talked about their daily events. Some even talk about their children, husbands, wives, studies and so forth…. but they still are interesting (a few sucks though). But the thing is, they just write and have readers. (I’m so jealous 😦 hahaaha ).

So I thought, maybe a facelift on my blog. Meaning, change my topics and talk about everything else except for myself. After all, who cares about my life, right? Ahhh… I don’t know. I can’t write any other topics that I am not familiar with. Maybe I just stick to this for a while and just write more interestingly. Hmmmmm….

Comments, please? Anyone? Yuuuhuuu?

Sweet dreams are made of these…

Its been a while since I have a sweet dream. Sometimes I sleep and I don’t dream at all.  Sometimes they were sad ones…. dreams about my mum when I miss her so much. Some are just dreams and meaningless. But just few weeks ago I was wondering where had my sweet dreams gone to?

You know… the kind of dreams where you met someone you have a crush on and you fell in love and go goo-ey googled eye over it. You’d feel all shaken and you know like the Coca-cola advertisement “Brrrrr Brrrrr”? It was that nice feeling that I had when I dreamed that sweet dream. Everything was like “Kuch kuch Hota Hai” … really it was indeed heavens…. and when you wake up you’d still feel light hearted even though it saddened you that the dream is over. But it left a beautiful feelings inside of you.

I want that dream badly… I want to feel that nice floating feeling again. I want to feel good. Even it is just a dream….

So sweet dreams… please come back.

Where did the passion go?

Do you hate your job? Do I?

I dont really know, do I? I know I am not passionate about it anymore. I used to love it because I have 1001 things planned for it. But somehow…. it did not materialise and I guess in a way I am just sitting there monitoring. well, I am suppose to monitor and do follow ups but…..

So okay, I guess I have to make a step backwards and scrutinise the situation I am in. When and why did I fall out of love with my job?

Motivation? Drive? I dont really know what I am suppose to do. What is the demand? Everyday is like walk in and walk out and surf the net and go out have breakfast go in and waste time. 5 o’clock … time to go home. I know… boring.

Blame it on me… I am lazy and getting lazier. I should slap myself on the face… real hard, so as to make myself realise that these are all wrong and I should be able to find the passion and fall back in love with it.

There is something I am not telling… there is someone who makes my lost of passion for it. Yeah.. yeah I should not go blaming others of who and what I have become… I should just keep quiet and right the wrong….. I should be responsible for my actions and all my doings…. but ooooo… how wonderful it feels just to blame someone. (I still think that person deserves to be blame too!)

Of late, I have lost passion for almost all the things that matter to me. I just lost interest in my life. Everything seems to generate all the negative vibes and I feel like losing it and what’s worse…? I don’t think I’d care.

I am neither here nor there…. do you ever feel this way? I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to end up NOTHING. I want something and I just do not know just how to get it. I want to be satisfied with life. I do not want to feel empty and floating aimlessly. I just have to work hard to figure out what am I going to do next.

I am okay today….

Does it matter to you? Maybe not. But it does to me.

Its been a while since I have this OKAY day. I am always whining and hating (I am sure you know). But today after I have this huge fight with Mr. GoodyTwoShoes, I felt the worst is over. But then again, I still have some fight and cursing in me left for him. Poor guy!

It turned out that this Mr. GoodyTwoShoes is going for a vacation with his beautiful girlfriend overseas and he has no guts to tell me yet (then). Only at the last moment when I am caught unaware. I know he is doing that to spite me, leave me unprepared but I guess the real reason is  he was avoiding my angst and cursing. Well, guess what? He is definitely getting some. So bla bla bla….

So you might want to know who is this Mr. GoodyTwoShoes … ? no one of importance. He is just my imaginary best friend. He takes good care of me and I love him for that.

You might ask again… what is this all about? Of course, being a good and best friend he should be telling you where he is going, and with the girlfriend some more? I definitely be alone while he is enjoying vacationing somewhere. Hope he enjoys himself and bring me home some gifts. Mr. GoodyTwoShoes? **wink wink** ** bate bate**

Alas, we have made our peace. Let him enjoy and come back in one piece.

Things I hate today….

Sorry, lately I love to hate. Not that I am not grateful. But it is just that I need to feel this hate today and be true to myself.

Here is the list of things I hate today….

  • I hate my hair. It is making me crazy.
  • I hate wearing this specs it gives me the headache (I could not find my other pair….)
  • I hate tomorrow because it is Monday.
  • I hate that I have to get ready for tomorrow.
  • I hate the internet connection (its crawling and ever so slow like Mr Tortoise in “The Tortoise and The Hare”)
  • I hate the video of my online beading tutorial (it got stuck in the middle of the session).
  • I hate the same questions being asked repeatedly.
  • I hate to look for the things that I know I must have kept it some place easy to find.
  • I hate being forgetful and absentminded.
  • I hate being old and cranky.
  • I hate feeling this hate
  • I just hate hate……

Dear God, please forgive me for being hateful and mad today. I am ever grateful for all that You have given me but I just need the kick to be mad and hateful. Pardon me, please.

Dont question me why I dont trust you

You said to me like this…. and you said to the other person something else…. so, how can I trust you. There been incidences that you have been doing that to me. I know and just to avoid the squabbles, I just ignore it.

“I know you have been doing that all along… so don’t question me why I don’t trust you. OK?”